Economic Developer Sends Enlightening Report By Fax that Small Businesses Not Using Modern Technology Hold Back Local Economy

The City of Centerville economic development department released its research findings about business digital readiness through a press release sent by fax this morning. After discovering that everyone they tried to send it to was unsure if they owned a fax, businesses across the city commenced a search and rescue that resulted in many found fax machines being plugged back in. Because faxes have to be sent to individual fax numbers one at a time, the city has now reached 27 recipients so far. Plans to send more are in the works after the City’s fax machine cools down.  

“I had just put our fax machine in the pile for donations when the owner of our business texted me through Whatsapp that the city was making some big announcement and that I needed to plug our fax machine back in,” said Bess Eaton, restaurant manager at Frying Nemo. “Not only did I find it, but right next to it was a case of unused White Out. It’s been a really lucky Thursday.”

At last night’s City Council meeting, Economic Development Director Howie O’Doohan expressed that, “A lack of digital readiness is holding back our economy. That’s why our city government is committed to becoming the next Silicon Valley by calling ourselves the next Silicon Valley. Email and websites aren’t just for companies like MySpace and AOL. All of our local businesses need to embrace digital transmogrification, digital transformation, digital transformers, and digital autobots. It’s more than meets the eye.”

“Our city’s economic development department is committed to improving our delivery of digital services too,” said Lois Price, recently promoted to Economic Development High Commander. “I think the business community appreciates us leading by example. In fact, after sending out our fax this morning I received a number of text messages. Some were difficult for me to understand as they were all emojis. I’m still trying to figure out one text that was only the emojis 🚫 ⏰ 🐴 💩. But one person texted me the one finger up emoji, which I think means we’re #1. I was also sent 🤬 which I think means ‘I’m too excited to speak.’ So I’m pretty sure this means they like what we’re doing.”

The neighboring City of Springfield announced that next month they will be opening a new technology incubator, launching SizeUp small business assistance on the city’s website, and will be delivering on-demand entrepreneurship training videos. When asked about the two cities’ announcements of differing strategies to support local businesses, security expert Robin Banks said, “I’m moving my business from Centerville to Springfield.”   

Reporting on this story comes to you from Renata Rapporteur. Happy April Fools!

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